A new chapter begun

Like the early morning sun

With it's fresh new start

I am loving this part

Finally feeling joy

After meeting this boy

Genuine, funny and kind

Freely speaks his mind

We're talking for ages

One of my favourite stages

Getting to know one another

And not being a mother

But we talk about them

each of our children

Their ages, their names

The fun and the games

And how it is so nice

To not be throwing a dice

But instead having a drink

And being able to think

Sharing our pasts

And how things didn't last 

But grateful to be here

With a Pimms and a beer

Exchanging a smile

Not felt this in a while

Letting my guard down

And replacing that frown

Allowing myself to be seen

Because this boy, I'm keen 

It feels easy, it's nice

And we've only dated twice

And I already cannot wait

Until our third date

My heart is a flutter

My words all a stutter

His kiss goodbye on my lips

Tastes of our alcohol sips

But oh how good to feel

Someone like this is real

I am loving this part.

The calmness of an empty house
The warming coffee first thing, but taken back to bed
A hot shower after a trying day

A few nice things lately.

My brain is full, it's going to explode
There's a lot to take in, an overload.
Words and words just pour out of you
If only they were followed with action too.

Untruths, Scramble, Hurt, Deceit

Your words and promises list like a receipt.

You made me feel worthy, said all the right things

Excitedly plan time away, to live like kings.

And of course those plans soon disappeared

Quicker than even I had first feared.

I should have known, trusted my gut

Though my heart took over, avoiding the 'but'.

I wanted to believe you, the 'you and me'

But it was just a mere wild fantasy.

Then came the first cancelled plan

Releasing those worms from the can.

Double booked, forgot, not feeling it

How did I think we could possibly fit?!

And yet I, again, ignored my intuition

Trusted your plans would come into fruition.

But they never did, you didn't follow through

And I was left unwanted, discarded by you.

So now I'm having to start all over again

Pick myself up, unscramble my brain.

Patch up my heart, convince myself it's not me

Just another man with no accountability.

It feels like the universe is throwing all the obstacles at me lately.

I find myself constantly saying things like "I'll come out stronger in the end" or "these things are here to challenge us" or "this too shall pass".

But what if they don't.

It's been a long while since I last wrote here.

Reading back upon the posts from last Summer touched a nerve. It hit me straight in the chest. My mind wondering whether things would be different today if things went in a different direction then.

But.

I cannot think of the what ifs, as I ride this stormy rollercoaster of real high highs and real low lows. Because today is where I am. And the days are long and the evenings are lonely. And the struggle is a mountain I am climbing.

But.

After the steep becomes the ease, the gentle stroll down or perhaps even a soft floaty parachute ride.

Things will be good again.

A stay at my favourite place was so necessary. My body was begging me to get rest and my mind was in need of some quiet. Gifting myself a trip back to my favourite place, and to see my mother was the very best decision. All around.

I think, I will be grateful for the opportunity for a long while yet.

Counting down the days until I am home.

The place that lights me up, that sparks my dreams, that fills me with joy.

And hoping that I will successfully recharge and rest whilst I'm there, before returning a better version of my current exhausted, burnt out self.

How can it feel so lonely,

When I'm surrounded by so many people.

Sitting at my desk. Only thoughts of immediate action to be taken, on the forefront.

The rest of the thoughts that I had been harbouring have been emptied out. Spoken, Written, Thrown, Forced out.

And oh how freeing it feels. To be free of the what ifs, maybes, buts, and all the baggage of emotion that comes with them.

Life feels lighter.

Life feels gentler.

Life feels livable again.

As I slowly nibble away at the deliciously sugary custard filled doughnut, I watch the streaky peachy blue sky slowly turn into a darker shade of ink. Until the fairy lights looped up in the fifth garden over is the brightest thing in front of me.

The house is quiet and still. The gentle breeze through the open window is welcoming. The freshly picked sweet peas from a friend's allotment pleases my senses. The empty feeling in my stomach slowly fills with sugary contentment. My eyes heavy and glazed. My body heavy and tired.

Once ready, I climb into bed, the soft sheets so comforting after a long challenging day. Massaging lavender balm gently into my temples. Rubbing rose balm across my lips. Inhale, exhale.
"Tomorrow is a new day".

Ever so slightly mourning a fantasy dream,

But putting my everything into a real life instead.

Turning my thoughts off, putting a stop to the overthinking, focusing on the right now was all that I needed.

To feel my way through a situation, instead of questioning why or how. To surrender to the emotion, instead of quashing it down deeper.

Feeling it all, accepting it all, is moving forward and part of the process to healing. Slowly but surely.

I am enough.

The boil inside makes me feel I could so easily light a match and burn the world around me.

But something inside of me is fighting so very hard against it, forcing me to a halt. Forcing me into a heap. A surrendering heap of tangled and twisted pain. I feel raw. I feel sore. I feel it all and I vow to press pause on my mind. On those tangling, conflicting, curious, painful thoughts.

I just want to feel it right now. Today, I want to feel it. Tomorrow or perhaps the day after or even after that, that's when I shall unpause. That is when I will allow myself to explore, unpack, unravel a little or all of it.

But today. I need to just feel.

Feeling oh so grateful this evening.

Everything is going to work out just right. For the first time in a long long while, I truly feel it.

I felt the heat bubbling up inside.

I had to get outside. Breathe in that fresh air, breathe out the boil before I combust.

Stomping down the lane and underneath the towering trees. Over the river and through the crowded hedgerows. Fighting back the tears before I release. I release it all out. The sun pokes out a little, warming my already hot flushed mottled damp face. The coat feels stupid now but I stormed out before I could think about changing my clothes.

A butterfly hurries past. Lands on a nettle for a millisecond before flitting off somewhere else.

A blue dragonfly whizzes by and lands elegantly on the long wild grass. How beautiful this dragonfly is.

I start to notice the overgrown greenery around me. I haven't been here since Wintertime, when the ground and twigs were covered in icy white snow.

No one walks past with their dog. No one jogs past me. No one is here but me.

And for once all I wanted was someone to be here. So I didn't have to feel this alone.

But I am alone. It seems like all I ever feel lately is alone. I surround myself with souls but still feel it. I choose to feel it.

But today, right now, I don't want to feel it.

A welcomed breeze brushes past, disturbing my hair, sticking to my damp cheeks. I breathe it in, so deep I can taste it, my chest rising high and slowly releasing it with some of the pain, the anger, the guilt.

Sundays like these. Let's hope it's the last of them.

I long for the slow contented ones that once were, long long ago.

"Never let fear stop you from dancing on the moon"

A little much needed reminder to myself, of my favourite quote from a film I watched once as a child.

Dreaming of drawing amongst the beautiful scented honeysuckle and pale wisteria.

Amongst the lupins and foxgloves and tea-plate sized poppies. The frilly peonies, roses and tall iris's in the walled garden.

Sitting cross-legged on a picnic blanket with paints and pencils and a flask of tea. The warm sunshine kisses my cheeks with a rosy glow and sprinkles freckles across my shoulders.

(image source)

Daydreaming. As always.

Taking in the beauty that surrounds me on the warm walk to school and back.

The mornings have the cool air, and the flowers bring such joy to my sleepy puffy eyes.

The afternoons have the warm sun, sprinkling new freckles upon my skin and the excitement from littles when sharing tales of their day.

When home in the morning, a fresh coffee is made with a warm buttery hot cross bun.

When home in the afternoon, a cooling shower and minty bubbles soothe my warm body.

And then gentle wafts of calming lavender float through the rooms, closing curtains early to hide the warm sunshine just before bedtime.

Cooler early walks, with a jumper

A rainbow of roses behind picket fences
Wild flower rockeries filled with oranges and purples and pinks
Fat bumble bees buzzing about

And then home for buttery hot cross buns

Thursday mornings.